Feelings
by ZombieMonkey
Summary: When Janeway catches Chakotay in a very compromising position, she begins to rethink their relationship, and comes to a conclusion.


Feelings

Staring out the viewport watching the stars zoom past her, Captain Kathryn Janeway wondered how this could happen to her. She thought everything was perfect with the relationship; but that all changed last night when she came home and found him with her. Shuddering at the thought, Janeway walked to the replicator and ordered coffee with whiskey; Irish coffee just what she needed. Moving back to the couch, she sighed as she sipped the pungent liquid and thought back to the night before.

_The Night Before:_

_Kathryn smiled as she gazed upon Chakotay with his civilian clothing on; how it hugged his body perfectly showing his muscles which flexed when he moved, his strong powerful legs that were in the greatest shape, and his chest; oh how she loved that bronze chest, rubbing her hands over it during their love making which was fantastic. Pulling herself out of her revere, she noticed Chakotay looking at her with concern in his brown, dark, mysterious eyes._

_"See something you like?" Kathryn said with a quirk to her eyebrow. Chuckling quietly, he walked over to her and kissed her passionately taking her breath away. Pulling away after a minute, he pulled her to his chest and whispered softly, _

_"Only the most beautiful woman in the universe. I love you Kathryn." She answered by kissing him again and holding him close. They stayed like that for awhile, then broke away when Kathryn said,_

_"Well, time to go to B'Elanna bachelorette party, don't miss me too much and have fun, but not too much." Nodding Chakotay put a hand on her lower back, causing a tingle of anticipation of something to come. Walking to the door, he let her out first and whispered in her ear, _

_"You neither." hitting him playfully, she walked down the corridor, waving bye as he went into the turbo lift._

_The bachelorette party was a great success, leaving Kathryn doubled up in laughter and wanting Chakotay badly, and wondering if he was home yet. Swaying a little form the Klingon Fire Whiskey that B'Elanna replicated for the occasion, she came home to find the place in total darkness. Smirking as she went to the replicator, she stopped when she heard a slight giggle. Turning sharply, her brow furrowed, she shrugged it off when she didn't hear anything and grabbed her coffee. Finishing the coffee ten minutes later, she was about to go and change when she heard it again; this time a deep groan. A male groan. With anger bubbling inside her and her drunkeness gone, she went to the bedroom and saw something that made her heart boil with anger; Seska was lying in bed with Chakotay, raking her nails along his back as he thrust slowly into her grunting with effort. With as much self control as she could muster, Kathryn stood rooted to the spot as Chakotay gave a final thrust and shouted 'Spirits', Seska howling with passion and desire and biting him in the shoulder._

_"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Kathryn screamed, loud enough for the cosmos to hear. Storming up to Chakotay and smacking him in the face before turning on Seska._

_"You…out…now. How could you? I thought I could trust you with a little party Chakotay, but I guess I was dead wrong. Pack your things and get the HELL out of my quarters, **NOW**" Chakotay bolted out of bed, nothing on but the clothes he was born with and stood rooted to the spot, the synthehol rushing out of his system in a nano second as Kathryn stormed out of the room, tears welling in her blue eyes and looked at Seska, who had a very satisfied expression on her face. Picking up his clothes, he got dressed and sat down, head between his knees, groaning softly 'What have I done?' while Seska came up to him after dressing slowly and whispered,_

_"Thanks." then walking out the door not looking at Kathryn who was looking out the window with her hand on her face._

_"Kathryn," Chakotay began with a sorry tone once he got himself pulled together, knowing what was coming. She said nothing, but continued looking out the window with tears running down her face. Putting a hand on her shoulder, he gently turned her around and saw all the pain he had caused. Taking a chance, ha spoke softly, _

_"I'm sorry." She looked at him with pain and fire in her eyes and shook her head before breaking contact with the man who hurt her and walking out the door._

Now:

After spending the rest of the night walking the ship and crying in a turbo lift, Kathryn found herself missing him and wanting to talk to him to sort everything out. She knew he was intoxicated, but she wanted answers now, so standing up from the couch, she pulled her Captain's mask on and went to the Bridge knowing he would be there, keeping watch on everything and trying not to make everyone else feel guilty for anything they might have done. Sure enough as soon as she stepped onto the bridge, he turned towards her and stood up, saying nothing. Shaking her head slowly and discreetly, she said in her command voice,

"You have the bridge commander, I'm going for a walk" then without anything more to be said, she stepped into the lift and left him thinking about the message behind the order.

She found herself in Engineering where she noticed everyone stopping their work and gazing at her. Waving her hand to let them know she was just walking around, they turned around and went back to work wondering why she was here. B'Elanna noticed something was wrong though and went up to her with concern in her eyes as she asked,

"Captain? Is something wrong?" Kathryn smiled and almost laughed out oud as she gestured to B'Elanna's office and answered,  
"Can we?" there must have been something in her voice, because B'Elanna's eyes softened and she nodded without saying anything. Once giving her crew some orders, they went in and B'Elanna closed the door and ordered coffee before leaning against her desk watching her captain fidget with her combadge.

"B'Elanna, this stays here. If I hear that Tom got wind of it.." B'Elanna held up a hand and said with warmth and concern,

"I promise Captain, I won't tell anyone. What is wrong? Is it Chakotay?" at this Kathryn's eyes darkened and B'Elanna shut up and knew immediately what was wrong, but listened as Kathryn launched into her account of what happened. Once she was done, Kathryn sat down in the chair and shook her head, whispering,

"I don't know what to do, I love him with all my heart, but what he did, I can't forgive him." B'Elanna went over to her sad and depressed Captain and thought about what she would do if Tom ever did that. Well, she knew what she would do, but Kathryn wasn't like her and so she said gently, looking into her eyes,

"The only thing I can think of would be to talk to him and see where his heart belongs. I know he loves you; I can see it in his eyes. I'm going to kill Tom for having alcohol he knew what would happen if Chakotay had any, damn him."

"B'Elanna, don't hurt Tom; it wasn't his fault. It was actually seska's for thinking she could actually do this to me. I'll have her cleaning the plasma conduits and the hull for the rest of the trip home." Kathryn said with a hint of malice in her voice which scared B'Elanna. Moving back to her desk, B'Elanna shrugged and said jokingly,

"Or you could have her thrown out the air lock, I really don't care." Chuckling softly, Kathryn stood up and hugged B'Elanna warmly, knowing how true she was about everything. Saying she would think about everything, Kathryn left promising B'Elanna she would let her know how everything went.

Four hours later, after the wedding which was beautiful and enchanting even if it was on a starship in the Delta Quadrant Kathryn went to her quarters and relaxed with a good book and Irish coffee. She was just getting into the book when her door chimed, making her spill her drink. Sighing and knowing who it was, she got up ad put her book away before pulling her Captain mask on and calling out,

"Come." The door opened and Chakotay walked in, looking like a bad, little puppy making Kathryn chuckle in her head. She had already forgiven him for what happened the night before and was ready to continue their relationship if he wanted to, but she had to know first. He stopped just inside and looked at her with pleading eyes as he asked softly,

"Can I come in?" she nodded quietly and motioned to the chair beside the couch and sat down waiting for the apology she knew was coming. Sure enough, once he was settled he gazed into her hurt and pain filled eyes and said in a soft tone, full of love and hope,

"Kathryn, there's no way I could apologize without you thinking I was lying, but here goes: I am so terribly sorry for last night and I want you to know that what happened last night was something that will never happen again; I give you my life and my soul if you'd accept." Kathryn saw the truth in his eyes and felt the tears well in her eyes as she stood and turned away from him and tried to get her emotions under control. Her voice was steady when she spoke still not looking at him,

"Chakotay, I only have one question for you: Do you love her?" the room was deadly quiet as the words hit him like a phaser blast and he stood up, emotions surging inside him. Taking a calming breath he began to walk towards her and spoke in a soft, calming tone,

"No; I can honestly say I have no feeling for her whatsoever Kathryn, I love you. I will always love you; you are the world to me and my world would be nothing without you beside me. I made a terrible mistake last night and I know nothing will change that, but I hope one day you will forgive me." His voice cracked the slightest bit as he finished and he felt a tear stroke his cheek. Watching her as her shoulder slouched down he tentivly put a hand on her shoulder and turned her around. She looked down for a minute, getting herself together before tilting her head and looking at him with shining eyes and said quietly,

"Chakotay. I love you too more than anything and I do want you back, but you have to tell her it was a mistake. Ever since we began our relationship, Seska has been trying to get you back, even after I got pregnant and lost the child." Her voice broke, but she continued,

"I want to be with you for the rest of my life; but I'm not sure if I can with her still trying to get you back. I'm willing to let you back in, but you have to make sure she never comes between us again; I can't lose you. I…I would die." He engulfed her in his string arms as she began to sob, tears streaking her face, leaving little black marks from her mascara.


End file.
